Wednesday, February 10, 2010
White people don't do that.
This morning I’m am sitting peacefully at my desk when all of a sudden my co-worker comes frantically over and TELLS me to come shovel snow. I laugh in her face and say "That’s funny." I thought she was just kidding because I give her a hard time about stuff but she wasn't joking around. She said, “Come on let’s go.” Like it would be pleasurable or some sort of game. I knew that tone of voice I’ve been tricked way to many times. I laughed some more and said "I don't do that; you need to go hire some poor people or janitors or something.” She replied “Come on let’s go.” I knew she didn’t understand anything I was saying. I laughed some more and replied in a slow voice “I’m seriously not doing that.” She tried to explain it was our duty as Korean teachers. I replied with “I’m not Korean; I’m the native English speaker.” I love messing around with this particular co-worker because she is my age and basically the same position as me. After joking around for a couple minutes I explained that I’ve been sick all week and flying to Thailand on Saturday. I refused to go outside and sweat and freeze my ass off, I am not getting sick again. I was kind of shocked that I would be asked to shovel snow. I know it’s the Korean way but I’m not Korean. Yes, I live in Korea and I respect the Korean way but I am definitely not shoveling snow. If I wasn’t sick I probably still wouldn’t shovel snow because I would get hot and sweaty and then that sweat would freeze my balls together. I want kids someday. Plus, I’m wearing nice clothes and I’m not going be known as the smelly American teacher. Today the students graduate middle school and our principal wants the school to look nice. I understand that just don’t come knocking on my door. I’m the only minority in the school! I probably sound like a whinny bitch but I don't care. Minority power!
Monday, January 18, 2010
My students
These are videos my students created during winter camp.
I let my students create videos based on anything they wanted. The students wrote out the scripts, staged the scenes, and even edited the videos on my computer.
Here is the first one Aladdin.....or Aladin (The Korean version with a 9mm)
My first graders (6th/7th graders in the U.S.) created this video.
This video is the Korean view on Romeo and Juliet.
These are my 2nd graders (7th/8th graders in the U.S.)
No, I did not spend the entire class time working on these. They were so excited about the videos that they worked on the them after school! I was so impressed! Remember, I had no creative input at all!!! A speaking role was given to me at the last second. I'm definitely not winning an Oscar for that one. I didn't know they went outside and were filming gun scenes....I guess if no one complains then it's okay. We watched the videos in class and I was shocked to see the gun scene. Which happened to take place outside of the principal's office, thank goodness he was not at school. All of the videos turned out to be really violent with death and guns....I was really horrified.
This next video is Flower Man. It's a Korean TV show. I didn't understand at all what these girls were doing....but it turned out interesting. They had a blast. I learned that I should have certain criteria and guidelines for the students to follow. Korean culture and American culture are soooooo different. Enough said.
I let my students create videos based on anything they wanted. The students wrote out the scripts, staged the scenes, and even edited the videos on my computer.
Here is the first one Aladdin.....or Aladin (The Korean version with a 9mm)
My first graders (6th/7th graders in the U.S.) created this video.
This video is the Korean view on Romeo and Juliet.
These are my 2nd graders (7th/8th graders in the U.S.)
No, I did not spend the entire class time working on these. They were so excited about the videos that they worked on the them after school! I was so impressed! Remember, I had no creative input at all!!! A speaking role was given to me at the last second. I'm definitely not winning an Oscar for that one. I didn't know they went outside and were filming gun scenes....I guess if no one complains then it's okay. We watched the videos in class and I was shocked to see the gun scene. Which happened to take place outside of the principal's office, thank goodness he was not at school. All of the videos turned out to be really violent with death and guns....I was really horrified.
This next video is Flower Man. It's a Korean TV show. I didn't understand at all what these girls were doing....but it turned out interesting. They had a blast. I learned that I should have certain criteria and guidelines for the students to follow. Korean culture and American culture are soooooo different. Enough said.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Can you feel the love tonight
So what has Matt Weaver been up to lately? Wouldn’t you like to know!! Well, that is why you have been bugging me to blog! Sorry, I am really cold and I don’t like to do anything when I’m cold…..what a lame freaking excuse. I know, but that’s what you get for loving me. Christmas and New Years I spent with my friends and I actually had a great time! New Years a group of us went into Seoul and I thought I was going to die…seriously, I have never seen so many freaking little people in the world. Not midgets, just Koreans….Here is a picture in the subway….
I was reminded of the scene from The Lion King, where Mufasa comes to rescue Simba and manages to do so, only to be thrown to his death back into the stampede by Scar. It was so scary I wanted my dad to come bite me by my neck and take me to safety. Actually, that would be weird….so never mind.
My memory fades me. Let me tell you what is going on recently. I joined an acting group called Seoul Players! It’s really awesome. I gave my acting role to my friend and so this time around I am just a director! I know, me directing!! How awesome! I’m directing Titus Andronicus Act 3 scene 1, gotta love Shakespeare.
Funny stuff this week….Last Friday my school gave me the day off! I was so excited and didn’t want to ask too many questions because then they might change their minds. On Monday, I arrived at school to realize that the whole school was being remodeled. I opened the office door and all of my stuff was gone…what the hell? I had 5 minutes before class started and all of my materials were gone. I had laid everything on my desk ready to go last Thursday. I thought it was a joke and then I realized they had built a freaking wall through half of the office…..I thought “Where did that wall come from? And where the heck is my stuff?” So I franticly searched for my stuff….In the supply room I found a big blue box with Matthew written on it. I ripped it open and grabbed my stuff and ran to class…..holy cow Korea gives me a heart attack sometimes. I only had two classes to teach that day and the first class was awesome it was the second class that almost put me over the edge.
These classes are not normal classes, they are winter camps. I have about 10 students in each class and we meet for 1 hour and 40 minutes. Then I go home!!! I am starting class and explaining the schedule for the day as I walk towards the door to shut it when a bird flies right at my head….I duck and start screaming, then everyone starts screaming. Then a boy pulls out, what looks to be, a hand gun and I start screaming even louder like a little girl…..What the hell…now everyone is screaming and someone is going to get shot! I finally stopped screaming because I became concerned that the boy was going to shoot someone…and by someone I mean me…My first thought was to get rid of the gun so I demanded him to put the gun away.
Yeah, my education courses never trained me what to do when a kid pulls out a gun. The kid puts his gun away and I tell the students to shoo the nasty bird out of the class. I’ve been pooped on way to many times….I’m not dumb, kids can handle poop better than I could. There is only one other teacher teaching and she comes out of her class to see what was happening…I just wave and say “HI” and she quietly shuts her door. Thank God no one can speak English! I am just relieved no one got shot. I go back in the classroom and here is the dialogue between me and the gang member(gun boy):
Why do you have a gun?
You told me it was okay.
What?
Yeah, I asked you and you said yes. It’s my bb gun.
Oh, it’s just a bb gun. Thank God, but wait are you allowed to have a bb gun at school?
Oh it’s okay, no bullets.
Okay, no bullets. It’s okay then…..end of conversation
(I had the students create a movie/play for the camp) I remembered reading over the scripts they made and approving it. They chose to reenact Aladdin with a twist. I had read the script and I remembered Aladdin’s uncle dies but I didn’t remember anything about a gun. Oh gosh….
At the moment I thought the BB gun was okay because they are allowed to bring box cutters (razors) to school but if I had to do it over again….I definitely would not have allowed the gun to be used in the play. The language barrier is a challenge all the time. After this I began recording the movies they made….the same kid starts running around the room with the gun yelling you mother fu**er, you will die…..and another kid yells oh shit, oh shit, oh shit….I stop and ask….where did that come from? That is not in the script I approved….they say “We added them, you like?” I bow my head in shame. I really wanted to laugh my ass off but this was neither the place nor time. I kind of felt it was my fault because I gave them free rein to create anything they wanted. I didn’t want to supervise that much because I didn’t want to do it for them….I made them re-shoot the video with no curse words. I will post the video soon.
In other news, Kara and her friend Michelle are coming soon! I am so excited; it will be so awesome to have a friend from back home here! Also, I am going to Laos/Thailand from Feb. 13 to Feb. 26!!!
I was reminded of the scene from The Lion King, where Mufasa comes to rescue Simba and manages to do so, only to be thrown to his death back into the stampede by Scar. It was so scary I wanted my dad to come bite me by my neck and take me to safety. Actually, that would be weird….so never mind.
My memory fades me. Let me tell you what is going on recently. I joined an acting group called Seoul Players! It’s really awesome. I gave my acting role to my friend and so this time around I am just a director! I know, me directing!! How awesome! I’m directing Titus Andronicus Act 3 scene 1, gotta love Shakespeare.
Funny stuff this week….Last Friday my school gave me the day off! I was so excited and didn’t want to ask too many questions because then they might change their minds. On Monday, I arrived at school to realize that the whole school was being remodeled. I opened the office door and all of my stuff was gone…what the hell? I had 5 minutes before class started and all of my materials were gone. I had laid everything on my desk ready to go last Thursday. I thought it was a joke and then I realized they had built a freaking wall through half of the office…..I thought “Where did that wall come from? And where the heck is my stuff?” So I franticly searched for my stuff….In the supply room I found a big blue box with Matthew written on it. I ripped it open and grabbed my stuff and ran to class…..holy cow Korea gives me a heart attack sometimes. I only had two classes to teach that day and the first class was awesome it was the second class that almost put me over the edge.
These classes are not normal classes, they are winter camps. I have about 10 students in each class and we meet for 1 hour and 40 minutes. Then I go home!!! I am starting class and explaining the schedule for the day as I walk towards the door to shut it when a bird flies right at my head….I duck and start screaming, then everyone starts screaming. Then a boy pulls out, what looks to be, a hand gun and I start screaming even louder like a little girl…..What the hell…now everyone is screaming and someone is going to get shot! I finally stopped screaming because I became concerned that the boy was going to shoot someone…and by someone I mean me…My first thought was to get rid of the gun so I demanded him to put the gun away.
Yeah, my education courses never trained me what to do when a kid pulls out a gun. The kid puts his gun away and I tell the students to shoo the nasty bird out of the class. I’ve been pooped on way to many times….I’m not dumb, kids can handle poop better than I could. There is only one other teacher teaching and she comes out of her class to see what was happening…I just wave and say “HI” and she quietly shuts her door. Thank God no one can speak English! I am just relieved no one got shot. I go back in the classroom and here is the dialogue between me and the gang member(gun boy):
Why do you have a gun?
You told me it was okay.
What?
Yeah, I asked you and you said yes. It’s my bb gun.
Oh, it’s just a bb gun. Thank God, but wait are you allowed to have a bb gun at school?
Oh it’s okay, no bullets.
Okay, no bullets. It’s okay then…..end of conversation
(I had the students create a movie/play for the camp) I remembered reading over the scripts they made and approving it. They chose to reenact Aladdin with a twist. I had read the script and I remembered Aladdin’s uncle dies but I didn’t remember anything about a gun. Oh gosh….
At the moment I thought the BB gun was okay because they are allowed to bring box cutters (razors) to school but if I had to do it over again….I definitely would not have allowed the gun to be used in the play. The language barrier is a challenge all the time. After this I began recording the movies they made….the same kid starts running around the room with the gun yelling you mother fu**er, you will die…..and another kid yells oh shit, oh shit, oh shit….I stop and ask….where did that come from? That is not in the script I approved….they say “We added them, you like?” I bow my head in shame. I really wanted to laugh my ass off but this was neither the place nor time. I kind of felt it was my fault because I gave them free rein to create anything they wanted. I didn’t want to supervise that much because I didn’t want to do it for them….I made them re-shoot the video with no curse words. I will post the video soon.
In other news, Kara and her friend Michelle are coming soon! I am so excited; it will be so awesome to have a friend from back home here! Also, I am going to Laos/Thailand from Feb. 13 to Feb. 26!!!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Long time no see.
Sorry it has been two weeks since my last blog. I have been keeping busy doing random things. I write my blogs during work because I have a lot of downtime but the past two weeks I have been busy grading essays. I have graded over 150 papers. That doesn’t sound like a lot but most of my students do not make any sense when they write and it can take me 5-10 minutes to fix an essay. I actually secretly enjoy grading them because it keeps me busy.
All of the teachers at my middle school share one big office, so there are 40 + teachers in one office. I feel like everyone is always watching me, probably because they are. I sit by the English interns so I have four girls that surround me. They are so much fun; they tell me I talk too much and that I embarrass them. They are so worried what the other teachers think. I don’t care if people think I’m crazy….how do I embarrass them? Well, I play music through my head phones and accidentally sing along. I like to dance and try to get them to dance with me. I refuse to sit still at my desk the whole day. I get so bored and just start playing around. I am always making jokes and asking inappropriate questions. Actually, I just made a joke about them being racist. I actually thought about it for a second and realized that I am actually discriminated against sometimes. My attitude towards minorities has definitely changed.
My whole life I have always been surround by girls but these days I have more guy friends then girls. I also do not have any gay friends, which is also weird because being a music major I have lots of gay friends back home. I really like having gay friends because when I do something gay I can usually make a gay joke/reference so I don’t look so gay….now, I just look gay.
The other day I ordered food at a restaurant and it taking forever I said “Did they go to China?” I don’t think that phrase works in Korea because China is actually pretty close.
My students have been teaching me bad words to say in Korean which can be dangerous. Here are some stupid things I have done in the past week, I am sure there are a lot more I just can’t remember now……The other day I was walking and a lady ran into me. I said “Thank you” in Korean. I wanted to say sorry but I panicked. She looked at me so confused and I just ran away. I felt so stupid. This past Friday after a night out drinking/ dancing I took a cab home. The cab was fine until I went to get out and instead of saying “Thank you, goodbye.” I said “Thank you, STUPID/IDIOT.” Sometimes I should not be allowed to talk. The cab driver looked like he wanted to run me over….I just ran away. I blame my bad students.
All of the teachers at my middle school share one big office, so there are 40 + teachers in one office. I feel like everyone is always watching me, probably because they are. I sit by the English interns so I have four girls that surround me. They are so much fun; they tell me I talk too much and that I embarrass them. They are so worried what the other teachers think. I don’t care if people think I’m crazy….how do I embarrass them? Well, I play music through my head phones and accidentally sing along. I like to dance and try to get them to dance with me. I refuse to sit still at my desk the whole day. I get so bored and just start playing around. I am always making jokes and asking inappropriate questions. Actually, I just made a joke about them being racist. I actually thought about it for a second and realized that I am actually discriminated against sometimes. My attitude towards minorities has definitely changed.
My whole life I have always been surround by girls but these days I have more guy friends then girls. I also do not have any gay friends, which is also weird because being a music major I have lots of gay friends back home. I really like having gay friends because when I do something gay I can usually make a gay joke/reference so I don’t look so gay….now, I just look gay.
The other day I ordered food at a restaurant and it taking forever I said “Did they go to China?” I don’t think that phrase works in Korea because China is actually pretty close.
My students have been teaching me bad words to say in Korean which can be dangerous. Here are some stupid things I have done in the past week, I am sure there are a lot more I just can’t remember now……The other day I was walking and a lady ran into me. I said “Thank you” in Korean. I wanted to say sorry but I panicked. She looked at me so confused and I just ran away. I felt so stupid. This past Friday after a night out drinking/ dancing I took a cab home. The cab was fine until I went to get out and instead of saying “Thank you, goodbye.” I said “Thank you, STUPID/IDIOT.” Sometimes I should not be allowed to talk. The cab driver looked like he wanted to run me over….I just ran away. I blame my bad students.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
My heart goes out.
Today I received news that one of my friends from home died. Allison Davis was such a good hearted person and I am so lucky of having the privilege of knowing her. When we graduated together last May, I knew that she would become a fantastic Music Educator. I looked up to her because she was determined, strong and nothing held her back. My heart goes out to all of our friends back home and to her family. This is a difficult time and I wish I could be there to hug and comfort everyone. Today I wish I didn’t live so far away. It’s difficult to understand why things happen. All I know is that my faith is strong and I will rejoice with her again. I took time this morning to reflect. I remember Allison always being so kind and warm to everyone. She always had a positive attitude and always asked really intelligent questions. We both student taught at the same and had a lot of classes together. Every time I had a question about an assignment, she was the first person I would think to ask. She was so smart and I loved to get her opinions. I can imagine how difficult it must be for everyone at this time. I want everyone to know that I love and cherish all of our relationships. All of you will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers this week. Love you all.
Monday, November 16, 2009
How I got raped.
What? Did I really get raped? Probably not in the way you think but in the way I think, hell yeah. There are many forms of rape. Or is rape just rape? I hope I made you think. You probably just think I am stupid and want to slap me. I take offensive to that but the best offensive is a good defense. I was going somewhere but can’t remember….
The rape scene begins in the cafeteria. It actually begins and ends there. While waiting in line, I was scoping out the meat. (No, not Korean guys, the food idiots. Felt I had to clarify for Courtney. Poor thing had to google what a synonym was. Seriously, my niece had homework about synonyms and Courtney didn’t know what they were. Funny yet sad.) So… I see these big fried things of what looked to be deliciousness. Yummy, I am going to eat you up like a fat kid in a candy store. I am always so hungry by lunch. So, I sat down to enjoy my lunch and they looked so freaking good. To bad they didn't taste as good as they looked. Why does it always have too look so darn good but taste like toe jam. Seriously, It tasted like fried Chicken of Sea, with hamster droppings as seasoning. I still feel sick but that was the only thing I put on my plate so I felt obligated to eat it. Stupid obligations. Everyone was looking at my facial reactions as I ate. Looking for my approval of Korean food. I was thinking “Can everyone just stop looking so I can throw this across the room or slide it on my co-teacher’s plate.” My acting skills have blossomed so much here. I performed one of those, (Insert Texan accent) Oh My God grandma this the best things since Christmas!, but really I wanted to slip it under the table to feed the dog. I don’t have a dog, though I have some colleagues that chew with their mouths open which makes them look like dogs. Sometimes I wish I were blind so I could have a Seeing Eye Dog. Life would be so much easier.
So as I was eating this disgusting crap they call food, I forced my mind to leave my body. YAY, I can leave. Seriously, I left Matt Weaver as you know him. I went to another world. I was in dreamland and life was beautiful. I don’t even remember eating the disgusting food and as soon as I knew it I had finished my lunch. I thought, “How did I eat that crap?” I realized, while I was in my happy place, my body was feeding itself. It was quite nice.
I know, how can I compare rape to eating? I assume when you’re raped you leave your body the same way. Well, I would hope so or I just look like an ass. I probably already look like an ass because rape is actually a serious issue and I am comparing it to my lunch today. Oh well, I can’t always be politically correct. I don’t even like politics, maybe that’s why I am never politically correct. Let’s just say I felt raped by my lunch today and now I need a shower and I should call the police.
Last week one my middle school students grabbed my cell phone and wanted to put her number in it. I freaked out. What? No, you cannot have my number and I definitely don’t want yours. Little dirty girl go away. Some of my co-teachers text and call students but I’m definitely not doing that. I have heard way too many stories. That same day while I was walking home a student asked where I lived and wanted directions. She said “I want to go.” Ummmmmm. What? Can you just go home and get breast fed because you are a baby and that is way too awkward. I would never have a student over. I don’t need to understand all the culture difference to know that students having my number and coming over is definitely not a good idea. That is just asking for trouble. I would rather let Micheal Jackson sleep over.
All of my stories had something to do with rape. Well, maybe not totally....but if you stretch it.
The rape scene begins in the cafeteria. It actually begins and ends there. While waiting in line, I was scoping out the meat. (No, not Korean guys, the food idiots. Felt I had to clarify for Courtney. Poor thing had to google what a synonym was. Seriously, my niece had homework about synonyms and Courtney didn’t know what they were. Funny yet sad.) So… I see these big fried things of what looked to be deliciousness. Yummy, I am going to eat you up like a fat kid in a candy store. I am always so hungry by lunch. So, I sat down to enjoy my lunch and they looked so freaking good. To bad they didn't taste as good as they looked. Why does it always have too look so darn good but taste like toe jam. Seriously, It tasted like fried Chicken of Sea, with hamster droppings as seasoning. I still feel sick but that was the only thing I put on my plate so I felt obligated to eat it. Stupid obligations. Everyone was looking at my facial reactions as I ate. Looking for my approval of Korean food. I was thinking “Can everyone just stop looking so I can throw this across the room or slide it on my co-teacher’s plate.” My acting skills have blossomed so much here. I performed one of those, (Insert Texan accent) Oh My God grandma this the best things since Christmas!, but really I wanted to slip it under the table to feed the dog. I don’t have a dog, though I have some colleagues that chew with their mouths open which makes them look like dogs. Sometimes I wish I were blind so I could have a Seeing Eye Dog. Life would be so much easier.
So as I was eating this disgusting crap they call food, I forced my mind to leave my body. YAY, I can leave. Seriously, I left Matt Weaver as you know him. I went to another world. I was in dreamland and life was beautiful. I don’t even remember eating the disgusting food and as soon as I knew it I had finished my lunch. I thought, “How did I eat that crap?” I realized, while I was in my happy place, my body was feeding itself. It was quite nice.
I know, how can I compare rape to eating? I assume when you’re raped you leave your body the same way. Well, I would hope so or I just look like an ass. I probably already look like an ass because rape is actually a serious issue and I am comparing it to my lunch today. Oh well, I can’t always be politically correct. I don’t even like politics, maybe that’s why I am never politically correct. Let’s just say I felt raped by my lunch today and now I need a shower and I should call the police.
Last week one my middle school students grabbed my cell phone and wanted to put her number in it. I freaked out. What? No, you cannot have my number and I definitely don’t want yours. Little dirty girl go away. Some of my co-teachers text and call students but I’m definitely not doing that. I have heard way too many stories. That same day while I was walking home a student asked where I lived and wanted directions. She said “I want to go.” Ummmmmm. What? Can you just go home and get breast fed because you are a baby and that is way too awkward. I would never have a student over. I don’t need to understand all the culture difference to know that students having my number and coming over is definitely not a good idea. That is just asking for trouble. I would rather let Micheal Jackson sleep over.
All of my stories had something to do with rape. Well, maybe not totally....but if you stretch it.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Reality
Disclaimer—I wasn't clicking so well while writing this. I blame Mrs. De Souza because her blog made me cry and now my mind can’t stop thinking of Maura. http://mauraupdate.blogspot.com/ (this is her blog encase you haven’t looked at it in awhile) This Thursday it will be 6 months since she has died.
I can’t believe that it has been 6 months this Thursday that Maura died. Looking back, I was definitely in denial. It’s just so much easier to deny something then to face it head on, especially when someone means so much to you. Maybe this is why the month and 1/2 gap after mars died and before I came to Korea I worked really hard to avoid everyone. I tried so hard to avoid everything that reminded me of Maura. Before I left, I basically threw everything away or gave it away. The only possessions I have back home is a bed, 2 TVs, 3 boxes of childhood things and a box of Maura’s stuff that her mom gave me. Material things are so dumb and pointless; life is better with nice things but life isn’t about that.
The month and 1/2 of denial and then moving to Korea, I really didn’t have much time to deal with anything. I like sharing in others people pain but I hate sharing my own pain. No matter how much anyone says they understand what you’re going through, they really can’t. It’s really hard for me to blog about this stuff but it is a weakness and I am going to turn it into a strength.
Well, the shock of living in Korea has finally worn off and I am now facing reality. Emotions suck sometimes, but it’s what makes us compassionate, loving people. I try hard to bury difficult emotions but they always find a way out. The other day I went to starbucks with Alexis and we were chitchatting but all I could think about was a flashback….It was a bright sunny day, Maura and I were sitting outside of starbucks just chitchatting about how beautiful the world was and how excited we were about our futures. That day we promised when we were old we would come back to the Huntsville starbucks sit outside and enjoy the fresh Texas air again…. While I was sitting there with Alexis, I just felt so hopeless because that could never happen. I was driving myself crazy trying to not think of Maura but I just couldn’t help it.
I hate being sad but I have realized that there will be good days and bad days. I am not a sad person and usually when I get sad it’s only for a couple hours or an afternoon. Being a Debbie downer isn’t my personality but everyone has feelings of sadness and you’re nuts if you don’t admit that. So after Maura died I was in shock until July and then in July I moved to Korea. I got to Korea and was in cultural shock, so I definitely was not thinking of how much I was hurting. This week Maura’s mom wrote about how she feels like she is back at square one with the grieving process and I am totally with her but this time it feels like my first time. I am terrified that I am going to forget the fond memories we shared. I have a horrible memory and can barely remember what I eat for breakfast. This week I have had a lot of flashbacks from the past year. I still wish it would have been me instead of Maura. I keep having flashbacks of the Sunday before she died; I keep seeing Maura wincing out in pain that night and I was just sitting on the stairs fighting back tears. Really, all I could do is weep but that doesn’t help anyone. I felt so helpless because I couldn’t do anything. I try to black out those memories but they always find away to creep back. When she finally passed I kept telling myself that I should be relieved because I knew she didn’t have to feel any pain ever again, but really let’s be honest I felt screwed. Still do in fact.
I realized that I haven’t really sang in 6 months. Yeah, 6 months without singing. Singing is my life and one of my greatest passions. I’m not talking about Karaoke singing, I am talking about singing countertenor stuff. Maura was the person who talked me into singing countertenor and was the most amazing encourager ever. I remember the last time I sung countertenor stuff…It was 3 days before she died, her bed was placed in the living room so all of her friends and family could come say goodbye. It was so difficult to see so many people come say those words “goodbye” because it would actually be the last time they could say goodbye. That Sunday all of her friends gathered and we sang everything that Maura wanted to hear. That was one of the most powerful moments of my life to see so many come together and create music. Music is so powerful. I didn’t realize I was avoiding singing until this week when I tried to remember the last time I had sung countertenor rep and it was that Sunday standing next to her in her living room with her smiling face comforting me.
Death sucks; I wish it was a person so I could slap it. I know it is a natural part of life and it is something we all have in common but it still sucks when someone you love dies. In some aspects I am a coward because I hope I die before most of my friends and family because I think dealing with loss is harder than actually dying. When I die I get to rejoice in heaven but if everyone around me dies then I am stuck on earth just missing everyone. I am not waiting to die by any means; I just think it would be easier to not miss everyone. I know I am young and my opinion will probably change many times but this is how I feel now.
I can’t believe that it has been 6 months this Thursday that Maura died. Looking back, I was definitely in denial. It’s just so much easier to deny something then to face it head on, especially when someone means so much to you. Maybe this is why the month and 1/2 gap after mars died and before I came to Korea I worked really hard to avoid everyone. I tried so hard to avoid everything that reminded me of Maura. Before I left, I basically threw everything away or gave it away. The only possessions I have back home is a bed, 2 TVs, 3 boxes of childhood things and a box of Maura’s stuff that her mom gave me. Material things are so dumb and pointless; life is better with nice things but life isn’t about that.
The month and 1/2 of denial and then moving to Korea, I really didn’t have much time to deal with anything. I like sharing in others people pain but I hate sharing my own pain. No matter how much anyone says they understand what you’re going through, they really can’t. It’s really hard for me to blog about this stuff but it is a weakness and I am going to turn it into a strength.
Well, the shock of living in Korea has finally worn off and I am now facing reality. Emotions suck sometimes, but it’s what makes us compassionate, loving people. I try hard to bury difficult emotions but they always find a way out. The other day I went to starbucks with Alexis and we were chitchatting but all I could think about was a flashback….It was a bright sunny day, Maura and I were sitting outside of starbucks just chitchatting about how beautiful the world was and how excited we were about our futures. That day we promised when we were old we would come back to the Huntsville starbucks sit outside and enjoy the fresh Texas air again…. While I was sitting there with Alexis, I just felt so hopeless because that could never happen. I was driving myself crazy trying to not think of Maura but I just couldn’t help it.
I hate being sad but I have realized that there will be good days and bad days. I am not a sad person and usually when I get sad it’s only for a couple hours or an afternoon. Being a Debbie downer isn’t my personality but everyone has feelings of sadness and you’re nuts if you don’t admit that. So after Maura died I was in shock until July and then in July I moved to Korea. I got to Korea and was in cultural shock, so I definitely was not thinking of how much I was hurting. This week Maura’s mom wrote about how she feels like she is back at square one with the grieving process and I am totally with her but this time it feels like my first time. I am terrified that I am going to forget the fond memories we shared. I have a horrible memory and can barely remember what I eat for breakfast. This week I have had a lot of flashbacks from the past year. I still wish it would have been me instead of Maura. I keep having flashbacks of the Sunday before she died; I keep seeing Maura wincing out in pain that night and I was just sitting on the stairs fighting back tears. Really, all I could do is weep but that doesn’t help anyone. I felt so helpless because I couldn’t do anything. I try to black out those memories but they always find away to creep back. When she finally passed I kept telling myself that I should be relieved because I knew she didn’t have to feel any pain ever again, but really let’s be honest I felt screwed. Still do in fact.
I realized that I haven’t really sang in 6 months. Yeah, 6 months without singing. Singing is my life and one of my greatest passions. I’m not talking about Karaoke singing, I am talking about singing countertenor stuff. Maura was the person who talked me into singing countertenor and was the most amazing encourager ever. I remember the last time I sung countertenor stuff…It was 3 days before she died, her bed was placed in the living room so all of her friends and family could come say goodbye. It was so difficult to see so many people come say those words “goodbye” because it would actually be the last time they could say goodbye. That Sunday all of her friends gathered and we sang everything that Maura wanted to hear. That was one of the most powerful moments of my life to see so many come together and create music. Music is so powerful. I didn’t realize I was avoiding singing until this week when I tried to remember the last time I had sung countertenor rep and it was that Sunday standing next to her in her living room with her smiling face comforting me.
Death sucks; I wish it was a person so I could slap it. I know it is a natural part of life and it is something we all have in common but it still sucks when someone you love dies. In some aspects I am a coward because I hope I die before most of my friends and family because I think dealing with loss is harder than actually dying. When I die I get to rejoice in heaven but if everyone around me dies then I am stuck on earth just missing everyone. I am not waiting to die by any means; I just think it would be easier to not miss everyone. I know I am young and my opinion will probably change many times but this is how I feel now.
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