Reality

Disclaimer—I wasn't clicking so well while writing this. I blame Mrs. De Souza because her blog made me cry and now my mind can’t stop thinking of Maura. http://mauraupdate.blogspot.com/ (this is her blog encase you haven’t looked at it in awhile) This Thursday it will be 6 months since she has died.

I can’t believe that it has been 6 months this Thursday that Maura died. Looking back, I was definitely in denial. It’s just so much easier to deny something then to face it head on, especially when someone means so much to you. Maybe this is why the month and 1/2 gap after mars died and before I came to Korea I worked really hard to avoid everyone. I tried so hard to avoid everything that reminded me of Maura. Before I left, I basically threw everything away or gave it away. The only possessions I have back home is a bed, 2 TVs, 3 boxes of childhood things and a box of Maura’s stuff that her mom gave me. Material things are so dumb and pointless; life is better with nice things but life isn’t about that.

The month and 1/2 of denial and then moving to Korea, I really didn’t have much time to deal with anything. I like sharing in others people pain but I hate sharing my own pain. No matter how much anyone says they understand what you’re going through, they really can’t. It’s really hard for me to blog about this stuff but it is a weakness and I am going to turn it into a strength.

Well, the shock of living in Korea has finally worn off and I am now facing reality. Emotions suck sometimes, but it’s what makes us compassionate, loving people. I try hard to bury difficult emotions but they always find a way out. The other day I went to starbucks with Alexis and we were chitchatting but all I could think about was a flashback….It was a bright sunny day, Maura and I were sitting outside of starbucks just chitchatting about how beautiful the world was and how excited we were about our futures. That day we promised when we were old we would come back to the Huntsville starbucks sit outside and enjoy the fresh Texas air again…. While I was sitting there with Alexis, I just felt so hopeless because that could never happen. I was driving myself crazy trying to not think of Maura but I just couldn’t help it.

I hate being sad but I have realized that there will be good days and bad days. I am not a sad person and usually when I get sad it’s only for a couple hours or an afternoon. Being a Debbie downer isn’t my personality but everyone has feelings of sadness and you’re nuts if you don’t admit that. So after Maura died I was in shock until July and then in July I moved to Korea. I got to Korea and was in cultural shock, so I definitely was not thinking of how much I was hurting. This week Maura’s mom wrote about how she feels like she is back at square one with the grieving process and I am totally with her but this time it feels like my first time. I am terrified that I am going to forget the fond memories we shared. I have a horrible memory and can barely remember what I eat for breakfast. This week I have had a lot of flashbacks from the past year. I still wish it would have been me instead of Maura. I keep having flashbacks of the Sunday before she died; I keep seeing Maura wincing out in pain that night and I was just sitting on the stairs fighting back tears. Really, all I could do is weep but that doesn’t help anyone. I felt so helpless because I couldn’t do anything. I try to black out those memories but they always find away to creep back. When she finally passed I kept telling myself that I should be relieved because I knew she didn’t have to feel any pain ever again, but really let’s be honest I felt screwed. Still do in fact.

I realized that I haven’t really sang in 6 months. Yeah, 6 months without singing. Singing is my life and one of my greatest passions. I’m not talking about Karaoke singing, I am talking about singing countertenor stuff. Maura was the person who talked me into singing countertenor and was the most amazing encourager ever. I remember the last time I sung countertenor stuff…It was 3 days before she died, her bed was placed in the living room so all of her friends and family could come say goodbye. It was so difficult to see so many people come say those words “goodbye” because it would actually be the last time they could say goodbye. That Sunday all of her friends gathered and we sang everything that Maura wanted to hear. That was one of the most powerful moments of my life to see so many come together and create music. Music is so powerful. I didn’t realize I was avoiding singing until this week when I tried to remember the last time I had sung countertenor rep and it was that Sunday standing next to her in her living room with her smiling face comforting me.

Death sucks; I wish it was a person so I could slap it. I know it is a natural part of life and it is something we all have in common but it still sucks when someone you love dies. In some aspects I am a coward because I hope I die before most of my friends and family because I think dealing with loss is harder than actually dying. When I die I get to rejoice in heaven but if everyone around me dies then I am stuck on earth just missing everyone. I am not waiting to die by any means; I just think it would be easier to not miss everyone. I know I am young and my opinion will probably change many times but this is how I feel now.