How I am really doing

You really want to know how I am doing in Korea. The honest truth is not a day goes by that I don’t think of Maura. She was huge part of my life. We lived together, hung out 24/7 and told each other everything. When we were separated longer than 2 days we had hours of stuff to talk about. Someone would tell us a secret and we would share it with each other because we trusted each other with our lives.
The past year and a half has changed so much. My best friend passed away, I graduated university, I moved to Korea, and my grandpa was recently diagnosed with Cancer.

I still remember the day that my life would change forever. Maura dropped me off for choir and headed to the quack shack doctor in Huntsville. In the middle of rehearsal the choir door flung open and my heart stopped. Maura walked in and everyone in the room knew the look on Maura’s face was not good. That day I knew my life would never be same. We jumped in the car and I remember driving so fast as we discussed tumors, cancer, and then funny stuff. (lord knows that I hate talking about serious stuff longer than 15 minutes) We were in panic mode; we didn’t know what to do. I could tell she just wanted her mom and dad. Heck, I wanted my MOM. As we drove, I made inappropriate comments and made her laugh. The crying faded and the realization of the situation started to somewhat settle in. Even in time of devastation we were able to laugh and cry together.

The realization that my best passed away on May 19, 2009 is starting to settle in. I will never understand why my best friend passed away but I am lucky for the time I spent with Maura. Every day I want to pick of the phone and call her. I remembered the two weeks before she died, every day I would kiss her on the forehead and tell her I loved her. Kissing someone goodbye forever was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I asked the question, “Why?” I have come to the realization that some things are not supposed to be understood. I don’t like it but I accept it. Through this my faith has grown; I know for a fact that I will see her again in heaven. I know the relationship we had has helped me become a better person. Maura was the most influential person in my life. If you have ever lived with me then you know I can get a bit moody and I like to push buttons. (4 sister’s and a bossy mom, I like to fight and argue…LOL) Maura and I never fought. I can’t remember one fight. We definitely disagreed sometimes but we were never mad at each other longer than 10 minutes.

This year has changed so much……watching my best friend going through chemo for almost a year killed me. It was like someone stabbing me in my heart. (WOW…maybe I shouldn’t write this a work because I started tearing up and now my co-teachers are looking at me. Good thing I am a funny person because I just made myself laugh….) I started to tear up because I had a flash back of the days Maura just seemed lifeless from Chemo. Some of my favorite memories were going over to her house and sneaking in and just sitting by her and chatting to her mom. Maura would wake up and smile and at that moment I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. I feel close to the de Souza family, they are my adopted family! I love them so much! I loved visiting their house because Maura’s face would light up and I would feel like the luckiest person ever!

Before Maura died I was planning on moving to Korea, it wasn’t like I was trying to escape. Moving to Korea has been actually easier than staying home. People don’t look at me with the look of “I am so sorry.” That makes everything so much harder sometimes. I don’t like people feeling sorry me. People don’t know my background unless I tell them. People don’t ask how I am doing. Yet, it is difficult because I am still reminded of Maura everywhere I go.

I have been in Korea for 3 months, time has flew by. The week when I moved my grandpa was diagnosed with a rare cancer. It seemed like the nightmare would continue but really it hasn’t. Life is what you make out of it. Even through tough times. I am not a sad person and I don’t like being sad. I also don’t like others around me to be sad or depressed. We have to live life to the fullest because tomorrow isn’t promised. I love my grandpa and I know I can’t do anything but show my love for him.

When I moved to Korea I had no family and friends. It was terrifying! I have connected with a lot people already and have met some truly amazing people. I am so lucky to make such wonderful friends in a distant place. Material objects come and go but relationships last forever. I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be for the time being. If you ask my mom she would say “Hell NO.” LoL. I feel really blessed because I have made relationships with people that will last a lifetime. Korea is truly a unique place and I feel the longer I am here the more I change. I did not know where this blog was going before I started. I need to share because sharing isn’t a sign a weakness it is a sign of strength.